Snapshots

'Octavio Master Trainer' had announced the addition of a new class to his high-intensity workout schedule. Octavio said 'Zumba' but an overjoyed Gigi Delani heard 'SAMBA!'

Gigi had HAD it. What started as a pleasant dinner at pal Lisa Vanderpump's sumptuous Beverly Hills restaurant, Villa Blanca, quickly spiraled out of control when Honey Boo Boo, Mama June and crew lumbered in and created instant mayhem. The father, Sugar Bear Thompson, took the family pig to the bar for tequila shots while Mama June created what she called an "Italian Sampler" by ordering every pasta dish on the menu plus a Papa John's pizza, which was delivered 10 minutes later. But the final straw came when Honey Boo Boo, hyped up on her "Go-Go Juice", grabbed a fistful of spaghetti off the plate of a startled Sela Ward and went tearing around the restaurant, finally hurling herself on the table in front of Gigi and Lisa and passing out in a sugar and carb-induced coma. "It's the apocalypse", Gigi mused, "the Aztecs were right!"

'That Groupon Getaway deal was worth every PENNY!!!' - Gigi Delani, Puerto Vallarta 2012

It was only slight turbulence but Gigi was taking no chances.

Gigi was fairly certain she'd found the source of 'that smell' in her refrigerator when she discovered a dead beaver.

Superstar Gigi Delani relaxed at trendy Santa Monica salon Drybar and reflected back on a successful first day of Christmas shopping. Sure, she got 11 parking citations within the space of 20 minutes, and cussing out that meter maid was exhausting! Then there was that ugly scene in FAO Schwarz when she swiped the last Lalaloopsy doll out of Suri Cruise's shopping cart. Who knew Tom and Katie had enrolled that girl in self-defense classes? That was unexpected.... and of course she regretted 'accidentally' tripping Hailee Steinfeld at Kitson, resulting in a domino-like chain of events that left the Deepa Gumani gold beaded clutch display in shambles and sent several employees to urgent care. But all in all, Gigi felt confident that she'd started the holiday shopping season off with a bang!

Gigi's respite jacuzzi'ing behind her private bungalow in Palm Springs was short-lived. Trying to make out what furry little animal was staring back at her from the treetops suddenly became a life and death situation when a Siberian flying squirrel leapt screeching from the branches and made a b-line right for her.

Gigi's morning, poolside at the Hollywood Argyle Hotel, had offered some much needed relaxation. The service had been exemplary, her margarita was sweet and salty and the fried calamari with chipotle mayonnaise? Indulgent perfection. But the starlet's respite was jarringly interrupted when she glanced up from her Flaunt magazine and noticed what appeared to be a dead cheetah floating face down in the shallow end of the pool. Hotel security later informed her that it was actually Christina Aguilera in an animal one-piece resting on a floating chaise.

As Gigi struggled to remember if she'd thrown away the tin foil swan full of moo goo gai pan she discovered that morning under her bed, no one noticed as the starlet's flaming Sambuca cocktail set the Christmas tree ablaze.

In Paris to shoot the cover of Vogue Italia, Gigi Delani wowed paparazzi while lunching at a fashionable café on the Avenue des Champs-Elysees. Brushing aside her zero-carb diet, the starlet nibbled on a loganberry croissant and exuded an effortless panache that masked all signs of the recent drama which had kept the internet abuzz and tabloid covers salacious. Her split with actor/grad student James Franco had been ugly and the incident with Emily VanCamp at a West Hollywood Chipotle, shudder-inducing. But that was all behind her now and Gigi was out to show the world it was going to take more than a nasty break-up and a faceful of guacamole to break her spirit.

Never one to back down from a dare, Gigi strapped herself into the Drop of Doom after pal Emmy Rossum's endless taunting. "How bad can it be?" the starlet asked herself, swallowing the last bite of her churro. A nanosecond later her question was answered as that last bite of churro came hurtling back.

It had been a tough week shooting her guest spot on 'Hot in Cleveland'; Valerie Bertinelli had been insufferable. But it was Saturday night and party doll Gigi Delani knew a night out in Hollywood with her gays would be just the ticket. Feeling fiery, she decided to hit Latino dance club Arena with pals Guillermo Diaz and Mark Indelicato (fake I.D. in hand). Arriving before 11 pm to avoid the $10 cover, the trio hit up their favorite bartender on the 2nd floor, the guy with no concept of 'alcohol-to-mixer' ratio. The dance music rattled the speakers, the go-go dancers were bringin' it, cocktails were flowing, sloppy drunks were escorted out - yep, another Saturday night at Arena! Some time after midnight, Gigi got separated from her friends and somehow stumbled up onto the stage. Without warning and out of nowhere she was accosted by two busted drag queens who thought she was Paulina Rubio. Terrified, she tried to get away as the two danced wildly around her, one of them shoving dollar bills into her dress strap, writhing on the floor and bowing her head in praise and adoration. The whole incident left her dazed and unsettled but when she ran into Mark and Guillermo on the upstairs patio and was handed a Disaronno on the rocks, all was forgotten.

Gigi Delani - photographed on the balcony of the Hotel Puerta De La Luna in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, 2010

My stylist fit me in a gorgeous, skintight mermaid costume for my audition this morning for a live action version of 'The LIttle Mermaid'. I chose to ignore the age range (9-11), the hair color requirements ('BRUNETTES ONLY!'), the height restrictions (4' 7" or shorter) and the explicit audition instructions ('do NOT come in costume!') and instead focused on what I could bring to the role. I had my assistant snap a picture early this morning in Malibu to post for my fans so you can all start an aggressive letter-writing campaign to Disney. Thank you in advance!!!

So excited to be here at LA Pride! I got asked last minute to be the Grand Marshall after Lea Michele developed acute vocal cord lesions from screaming at a drag queen who made eye contact with her. Anyway, I'm having a blast, more pics to come so stay tuned!!!

Gigi's date with James Franco had been even worse than pals had warned. She expected him to be a little 'existential' and 'hipster-ish' but somewhere between the crab-stuffed shui-mai appetizer and the main course, the exasperated starlet had had enough. Excusing herself to use the restroom, Gigi made her way through the kitchen, jimmied open a tiny window in the back of a storage room, koala-beared her way down a drainpipe and landed head-first in a recycling dumpster. After extricating herself from a gigantic roll of bubble wrap, the starlet emerged from an alley, bought a bacon-wrapped hot dog from a Nicaraguan street vendor, then called BFF Mila Kunis to come pick her up to go bar hopping.

After the ‘tofurkey debacle’ of the previous year, it took some major cajoling for starlet Gigi Delani to get pals Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher to agree to come over for Thanksgiving dinner. The lovebirds were skeptical and, frankly, bracing for the worst. But their skepticism turned to disbelief as Gigi emerged from the kitchen carrying a gorgeous, perfectly cooked turkey with all the trimmings; and not a hair out of place!. As the three sat down to dinner, Gigi was grateful that the noise from her electric knife drowned out the sound of the catering truck as it backed down the driveway….

In court for crashing her Mercedes SLK into a popular West Hollywood retail establishment, superstar Gigi Delani insisted that an allergic reaction to her Pulse-Point Stress Creme was to blame. This was refuted, however, by text messages sent nanoseconds before the crash which showed numerous attempts to type the name of Moroccan-born designer 'Jean Claude de Castelbajac' to Mila Kunis during a lively back-and-forth about who to wear to the upcoming premiere of "Ted".

Time stood still as Gigi discovered the bear claw she was eating contained a half-eaten millipede.

Gigi was lost in thought as she stood by the bar at Katana, the West Hollywood watering hole for the rich and beautiful. Gorgeously gowned in Carolina Herrera, her Brazilian blow-out perfectly lacquered, she knew she had found the perfect lighting and had no intention of moving any time soon. The last few weeks had been challenging and the damage to her friendship with Rose Byrne? Permanent. But as the expensive Chambord that 'Bridesmaids' star Chris O'Dowd had sent over as a 'truce' warmed her blood, Gigi was confident that time and tears would heal all wounds. Suddenly, walking in past the hostess station, was that Mariah Carey?? 'Jesus H. Christ', Gigi barked, 'is there NO end to the drama??'

Seated in the front row at Nanette Lapore for New York Fashion Week, Gigi's mind wandered from the runway to the events of the past few days. It had been a fabulous whirlwind of designer clothes, pre-show kabbalah blessings and lavishly produced events. Still, it was not without incident. The argument with Solange Knowles at Zac Posen's after-party at SubMercer had been ugly and was uploaded to YouTube within minutes. And although Shia LaBeouf had been a formidable foe with the Patron shots, no amount of anger management or court-mandated community service seemed to dull Naomi Campbell's destructive behavior, as the bill for damages handed to Zac at evening's end would attest. But as Nanette's brightly colored Spring 2013 fashions breezed past her, one thought from the night before still plagued her: "Seriously", Gigi said out loud to no one in particular, "where is my car?"

Gigi Delani stunned onlookers during Donatella Versace's Spring 2013 fashion show in Milan as she stomped the runway while furiously texting her break up with Penn Badgley. 'I mean it this time', Gigi typed defiantly, 'and I want my chinchillas back!!' By the time she made it back up the runway she had changed her Facebook relationship status to 'single', tweeted a scathing review of Badgley's sexual prowess and posted an Instagram photo of a judgmental Lea Michele from the front row.

Gigi Delani made a head-turning appearance at Paris fashion week as she took up the entire front row at Alexander McQueen wearing vintage McQueen and displacing luminaries including Blake Lively, Usher and style maven Anna Wintour. The headpiece that topped off her ensemble, an enormous crown of light inspired by the Immaculate Conception, was further proof that the blond bombshell would stop at nothing to make sure that all eyes were on her.

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'Surprise!!!!' didn't begin to describe Gigi's reaction as she made her way to her bedroom shortly after midnight and 260 of her closest friends threw the lights on and shouted loud enough to set off car alarms throughout her Hollywood Hills neighborhood and parts of Studio City.

Superstar Gigi Delani felt she had no choice but to hire celebrity attorney/professional shrew Gloria Allred when, on the set of her latest film 'Master & Commander 2: In Search of Pirate's Booty', notorious boozer Russell Crowe made sexual advances towards every woman on set BUT Gigi. 'My client has suffered unimaginable humiliation and crippling emotional stress', barked Allred at a press conference outside the LA courthouse. Allred went on to describe the 'irreparable harm' to Gigi's reputation, earning potential and ranking on the Entertainment Weekly Power List. Delani was too choked up to comment but quickly plugged her new workout video before disappearing into an awaiting car.

Gigi’s eyes flew open as she tore through an article in the National Enquirer, bullet-pointing the 'low-lights' of a recent night out at Hollywood hot spot Voyeur. The photos showed an enraged Delani bursting out the front doors and onto Santa Monica Blvd, grappling with 'Vampire Diaries' star Nina Dobrev. The article blasted the star, claiming Delani was spotted '… doing shots off the 8-pack stomachs of unnamed male models, sampling flavored vodkas with American Idol alum Adam Lambert, exchanging harsh words in the ladies room with 'Burn Notice' star Gabrielle Anwar, being physically restrained from going after ex-boyfriend Jesse Metcalfe and dancing wildly on the dance floor while swinging her fake Coach bag around and hitting anyone within range, including Dobrev, which is what started their face-off.' Gigi’s blood boiled. “WHAT LIES!”, Gigi shrieked, “THAT BAG IS NOT FAKE!!!”

In what was characterized by her publicist as an 'overreaction' and a 'gross miscarriage of justice', repeat offender Gigi Delani was charged with texting while driving and ordered to attend a 12 step program by an LA municipal judge. Pushing past photogs and taking her seat among the other attendees, Gigi was anxious since she was expecting important calls from 1) her agent, 2) her Zumba instructor, 3) stylist Brad Goreski, 4) her attorney(s), 5) her SAG union rep, 6) the IRS, and 7) Anna Paquin. As her Ferragamo handbag continued to "buzz", Gigi dug her fingernails into her arms and silently mouthed the words 'serenity now!'

9-11 We Will Never Forget.

Following in the footsteps of such luminous ‘celebs-turned-literary-scribes’ as Nicole Ritchie and Janice Dickinson, Gigi Delani decided that the world would be a better place if she began writing books, drawing on her boundless twenty-something years of experience and knowledge… and what better way to launch herself into this world than with a subject near and dear to her heart? A tiny observation she had made back in high school – straight men don’t gasp… they really don’t! - had saved her from many a dating heartache while adding another ‘fashion consultant’ to her orbit! Her next book – a guide to the world’s hottest nightclubs and sneakiest sobriety check points – was already in the works.

The day had been one disaster after another for superstar Gigi Delani; the bickering with co-star Brittany Snow on the set of her made-for-Oxygen movie, “Terror on the Tarmac” was reaching the boiling point, the line at Fresh & Easy had been a nightmare and she was pretty sure she hit a squirrel on the drive home. But now it was “ME” time so Gigi climbed into her antique Victorian claw foot tub, swallowed a couple of Ambien, washed them down with a good California merlot and drifted off to her happy place.

One minute Gigi was watching a particularly unsettling episode of ‘Hoarders: Buried Alive’, the next, she was a prisoner of her Craftmatic Adjustable Bed.

'Privilege' my ass, I'm missing the Barney's semi-annual clearance sale at Barker Hanger for this crap!'

It was at the top of the stairs where the Downey ball had somehow rolled out of her laundry basket that Gigi, distracted by an argument with her agent over the latest re-writes for her guest spot on 'Happily Divorced', began the long, loud, bumpy descent to the concrete floor below.

After a fabulous night of bowling and martini's at Lucky Strike with pals Lady GaGa and ex-First Lady of France Carla Bruni, Gigi veered into her favorite 7-11 for snacks, a Slurpee and a box of Bounce dryer sheets. Wishing Juan and Juanita a hearfelt 'Buenas Noches!', Gigi sashayed out, blithely unaware she was dragging the display of Bacon-ets Fried Pork Rinds with her in the train of her dress.

It was Spring Break in Cancun, Mexico and Hollywood hottie Gigi Delani was only too happy to fill in for a paid celebrity appearance when former Disney starlet Ashley Tisdale bowed out at the last minute, her reps claiming -exhaustion-. As the party raged around her, Gigi thought about the obscenely enormous payday that was coming her way and settled in for an epic weekend.

Multi-talented superstar Gigi Delani began her pre-Oscar preparation with a trip to Burke Willams for a craniosacral/lymph drainage combo. Relaxed, Gigi mentally mapped out her itinerary: the last-minute fitting with Brad Goreski for the Armani gown, eye lash extensions at Blink Bar, full body wax at Pink Cheeks, colon cleanse at that place off Pico, spray tan, tarot card reading, Bikram yoga, limoncello yogurt with Jessica Chastain...